Skip to main content

Posts

Thought of the Day

"If you are judged by your worst day, who would any of us be?"

One More Light

 It's been a while. I haven't been able to write anything.  You know that moment when there's so much happening at the same time and so many things pulling and pushing you and everything is chaotic and out of control and you are at a point of silent acceptance of inevitability, finally accepting that the only end result is crash and burn and you suddenly stop feeling everything and it's just a void, like a black hole inside you which consumes everything near it and all you feel is a hollowness inside yourself with no sign of the light at the end of tunnel? Yeah that's pretty much what's happening to me.  I loved music, If I am not busy using my brain (!!!) I would be feeding it music. Since past few months, I have tried listening to music but failed to listen to anything for more than 15 mins. I mean listen to music, not the music playing in the background while I do something else. Every song triggered a panic attack, every loud noise nearby startled me, every

Day 1/10

 I was ready to leave for work today morning, sipping my coffee before I walk those few metres from my room to hospital, when my phone rang. Unknown caller.  Exciting!!! I tested positive for the 'One-we-do-not-speak-about'. No symptoms so that's 10 days in Isolation for me.  I didn't tell my family about it. No point in scaring them to hell, if I am asymptomatic. And apart from 2 friends, no one else knows about it.  I mean apart from the people who would read this blog. I know there's like 2 people who religiously read my blog. 1 is an unknown admirer and 2nd NSA. Oh and Google of course. Also, just cause I wrote day 1/10 doesn't mean I am going to be writing a post everyday for the next 10 days. Ain't nobody got time for that.  Anyhoo, I just wanted to write something and this is kind of my diary so figured why not.  Ciao.  

I have nothing to say! - said the guy who proceeded to say a lot of things.

I have nothing new to say.  Staying confined to a house is not really the most stimulating experience. Limited interactions makes it even more dumbing. Ah well, as per some people I am anyways not 'that intelligent' to make any astute observations anyways and as per some others I am 'not smart enough' to know about life to talk about it. Who am I to counter these geniuses who have the worldly knowledge of everything from reading articles on experiences of others they found on internet compared to my own menial experience of having lived away from my family for years, solo traveling and living in a different country, accepting my own limitations and then seeking help to figure out and correct my own shortcomings while observing people and understanding what makes them, them all the while trying my best to not give out what life gave me and recognise and accept every person for who they are and not just what they try to project. I mean, pfft! Who am I kidding. I am just a

The Russian doll experiment - Facing the truth.

 It's been 3 weeks since I have written anything.  3 weeks back my grandmother passed away. And I couldn't be there to see her for one last time. A lot of things have happened with me too here. It feels like I am moving too fast but I am not going anywhere. Maybe, I am in a very fast merry go round or in one of the 'G' testing machines that astronauts use for training.  I have made some breakthrough in my therapy. Come to realise what I was seeking and why. I also came to terms with the root cause of my problem and made progress in dealing with its resolution. Came face to face with my demon, sat down and started a conversation with it. Ok, maybe its not a demon, its just a neglected child, my own childhood self.  We started off with acknowledging its existence. We started talking about what he wanted, what he was seeking. It's a tremendous conversation to have, acknowledging a part of yourself that you yourself ignored, because that part was deemed invalid. The who

A Tribute to my grandma.

 When I was maybe 7 years old, everyone in my extended family were at our native home for summer vacation. This one night, me and my cousin brother were sleeping next to our grandma and grandpa. Being 7 and full of maniacal energy, we couldn't sleep. So, we kept playing and making noise and being brats. My grandpa couldn't sleep in all that noise and warned us to shut up and sleep a few times. Eventually, we did, turned off the light and tried to go to sleep. Incidentally, there was a bee in the room, who must have thought it is the best time to sting me on my cheeks. And you know how bees are, once they have decided they want to sting someone, there is no stopping them and it wasn't any different for this one either.  It dove, attacked on my cheek and stung me. Naturally, I screamed and started crying. It was dark, and I was viciously attacked by a bee which had stung me. It could very well have been a ghost turning my face into a shish kabab. Anyhoo, my grandparents got u

The psyche is deformed.

 Working as an orthopaedic surgeon, I have had quite a bit of experience with broken bones and childhood deformities. Children getting injured, breaking bones, going to unqualified bone setters, getting it screwed in wrong position (no pun intended!), or sometimes, they are born with genetic mutation causing the bones to be, well, too fragile. Seeing those weirdly deformed bones and people adjusting in their life with such deformities, is not a good sight even for a doctor. Then one day they come to us in the OPD, frustrated with the pain and difficulties of living with such deformities, asking us if it can be corrected. Well, the good news is most of them can be corrected. So we start the preparation. We take radiographic images, CT scans, 3D reconstructions, come up with a plan and put the person under the blade.  (This is from my own archive, Anonymised for privacy.) It's not an easy process. Sometimes it's simple enough that we can correct it in a single stage surgery, some

Dark Glasses - Dark perspective

 There are so many ideologies regarding the way we view world around us. What we receive, the way we interpret things, signs, vibes. Multiple factors all wrapped in multiple layers like an onion.  We seek something consciously, but something else subconsciously, we receive something that we thought we wanted but reject it because it doesn't align with our perspective. We misinterpret the signs or sometimes completely miss them or ignore them.  We look at the world through our previous experience, and it is difficult for us to change that vision unless we change our experience. It's 'guilty until proven innocent' ideology I would say. And it's completely understandable. Our experiences from past create those views. And when we face something new, we are guided by our fears, our previous experiences, and we consciously or subconsciously try to push anything new away from us because we fear we will get hurt. And when we lose it, or successfully push it away, our perspe